I walked around our campus yesterday and stumbled across that exact bench. Flashbacks rolled in my mind and felt little pinches in my heart, or maybe not that little. But today, so far so good. I’m at Starbucks composing this blog while listening to my playlist and play-acting invisible to this loud customers. I do this to feign happiness, because the more I fake it, the more it’s supposed to feel true.
For the past few months, I've learned so much stuff about myself. I discovered the things I never imagined I'm capable of doing. I was carefree then. I am certain that love takes time until someone proved me wrong. That someone taught me that love has no time constraints. There is no time frame for when a person can fall in love with another, it just happens. It's spontaneous, unpredictable, it's timeless. And I mean it, it is one of the best feelings in the world up to everything I believe true shattered into pieces.
I was caught off guard. He left me hanging like he woke up one day and he knew he was never sure of us. His reasons were utterly bullshit. Nonetheless, I still think he’s wonderful; his big heart that is capable of almost anything, his principles that are undeniably grand, his soothing voice, his contagious laugh, his annoying yet cute face reactions, his dimple on his right cheek, his tummy that is either soft or hard, his paawa face when you try to tickle him, his smiles that can brighten up anyone’s day, his stare that is more blinding compared to the sun’s glare, his sweet-nothings that help you perceive life is indeed beautiful, and the list goes on. Now, he's gone, my heart is missing something. It seems the whole world is against me. What did I do to deserve this pain? It sucks to feel unwanted. It sucks even more to be someone’s afterthought.
If real love is choosing the many things a person did right rather than the one thing he did wrong, I'm buckling up myself. This love still and will linger long. Even though its consequences are pain and tears, I am not going anywhere. True love never did run smoothly, right?
As most people say, too much is bad. I've invested a mass of effort and courage to give up easily. I was brave enough to push my pride away. I was so stupid and naive for trying. I have no regrets, though. For me, love is about taking chances and risks. It's a shot in the dark but who knows, I might get what I want for being a persistent, hopeful love warrior (HA-HA). I wonder why some people do nothing to be loved and yet are; others do everything, and are not.
It always takes two to tango. I've learned that I couldn’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to fight back; it’s like rolling a bowling ball straight to the canal and expecting it to knock down a pin or even fluke a strike. Letting go is way different from giving up. I believe letting go of someone means putting an end to a one-sided fight. Facing and accepting reality hurts big time but sooner or later everything becomes much easier.
Part of me still has faith that "our story" exists, just floating around in the corner waiting to be find. It's very cliché but I'm holding on to the signs. Signs that keep me sane and insane at the same time. If I die tomorrow, simply know I'm yours because what we got is worth fighting for. I may sound pathetic, miserable, and desperate, I really don't care! Buhay ko 'to!